Why? Because something awesome happened tonight that hasn’t happened to me in a very long time. A boy likes me, and i like him back. Sadly, it’s not the sparks and fireworks that i know i feel inside. It’s a depressed, conflicted, maddeningly gut-wrenching thing. It’s like It’s kind of like some sort of complicated situation i am reminded of when i read Shakespeare.
The last couple days i was told to do something about it, and then tonight, i was told to go for it by a whole lot of other people, people seeing this seemingly obvious thing, people that i don’t know very well, but seem to have my best interest at heart.
Going for it resulted in a sad, depressing and ridiculous conversation that in every other situation would have never occurred. I must seem like some cold fish, easily able to redirect my feelings. I don’t know why i shut down into that mode, but what i really wanted was to smile and laugh. It makes me feel frustrated and angry when i can’t do the things i want.
I normally live my life doing what i want, when i want, however sometimes that painfully conflicts with my foresight of being able to see how these things may effect others. It’s just in me. Deep down i want to say fuck it. But why should i even have to think that? This should not be happening.
And yet i am the one who initiated all this, yes, because i believe there to be something there…
What still frustrates me is that I wanted to kiss him, and i didn’t. Damn it.
As the words of a friend may read: Le Sigh.